More Girl Crazy...

Hello fellow females! (guys you might wanna read this too to know what you have in store...) It has been a while but I find this to be a topic that is very relevant to the mid to late 20 and 30 year old age group. MARRIAGE.

 It seems like the more time that passes, more of my friends and relatives are getting married and having little miniature minions. Recently my brother got married...never saw that happening. I was part of the bridal party. Being part of the set up and take down of a wedding really gets those crazy girl hormone gears a movin' and I admit, even for me.

Single, taken, it doesn't matter. When those thoughts start getting in the a girls head, they don't go away so easily. It starts out pretty small, maybe day dreaming about your perfect day, absent mindedly thinking about what dress would make all of your boyfriends wildest dreams come true and make all the ex girlfriends want to explode in a cloud of jealousy for how amazingly sextastic you look....

Then it starts to get a little weird. You start ripping pages out of wedding magazines, printing out pictures of cakes and flowers that you will never be able to afford. Make up a guest list and start a wedding registry when the closest you have been to sleeping with someone in the past year is your cat, Sir Fluffkins. PINTEREST WILL ENVELOPE ALL OF YOUR FREE TIME. Pinning every thing wedding related to your "Fairytale overly expensive make your boyfriend cry and your bank account fart dust wedding board". You will re-pin a bazillion work out routines that you never intend to do to get ready for the "big day" as well as trying to budget for every little detail. It is a slippery slope down on the way to disappointment.

You will start watching every wedding related movie that you can get your hands on. Critiquing everyone elses wedding on how you could have done it better. It will consume you and everything you hold dear while your significant other sits on the other side of the couch oblivious to the fact that you are planning out his proposal and the ring for him so that it meets your fairy tale standards.

It will just get worse and worse until you wake up one morning and realize..."wait, I don't even have a boyfriend..." And as you lay in bed like a sad weepy potato, sobbing, slobbering and snotting into your pillow, you will become bitter. Everything that used to make you happy is now at the bottom of a pint of ben & Jerrys. That perfect dress that you had picked would now be too small for the amount of feelings that you have eaten through in the past few weeks.Your friends will ask you what is wrong and you wont have the heart to tell them that its because you want to get married but you have no prospects. That you signed up for "the knot" with a fake name and fake date to make yourself feel better. Bed Bath and Beyond will become your second home. You will start speed dating and the first words out of your mouth will either be "would you like to see my wedding notebook, this is what I want you to wear" or "So, about me having your babies..." which will throw up the red flags of crazy and that thirty second get to know each other session has turned into a man that wants nothing better than to move onto the crazy cat lady next to you.

I have reached this point before (not the speed dating or eating my feelings)...it is not pretty. Then you wake up one day, realize that you can make yourself happy and if he wont get off his ass to do it, find someone that will. The world is full of ass hats that want nothing better than to hit it and quit it as it were...but there are still MEN out there. Find someone that will let you be crazy and have your hormonal girl moments and still love you and when you bring up marriage, his manly bits don't run in the opposite direction (if they had feet...which would look pretty funny)

In short, take your time, enjoy what you have, and get a cat. Cats are funny.

Then Next Invasion...

The battle of the kitchen has been won. Other than the occasional feeble attempt at take-overs here and there, the house centipedes have all but given up. In their absence however, a new battle has begun. I call it "Chirping "play you the song of my people" Doom Battle" It has started to get cooler outside, and as the sun wanes on each new day, the battle wages...

The Black Cricket (btw that's not my house, just a picture of a cricket...I have better taste than that...) I really INSANELY LOVE FALL!!! But I must confess that I never really understood how much living in an old house with cracks attracts these little suckers. You go to walk into the kitchen or the bathroom...and there they are...scutlling their butts across my nice clean....well...my floor.

Now fortunately enough, I own an array of amphibians and reptiles, so their efforts do not go unpunished (MWUAHAHA) and they get locked up in the brig...with my hungry minions. Anyways, it's like every time you turn around, they lurk. Under the table, crawling under the fridge or stove, hopping into the house when I try to leave. They are like that one kid in school that you never want to hang out with but they still insist on talking to you. "oh hey...you wanna hang out? No? ok well maybe tomorrow! how about i just stay in your house for a bit? i see you have some lovely crums here. Mind if i take care of those for you? Lemme just hop in your dogs water bowl and take a swim :)" NOOOO!!!

Anyways, they have slowly been making an assault on the kitchen and taking over the job of the centipedes. These however, I can pick up (after much hopping and cursing) without wanting to scream, pee, throw up, get a hammer, or an enormous shoe to destroy said creature...unlike that of the monstrosity that is the house centipede.

This battle really, is more like a sad attempt at take over. They have no chance with me and my assault and capture team. Code name...assault team 4...because there are four of us....OH and the dog ASSAULT TEAM 5. Although he just watches them hop with mild curiosity and chases them under things..thusly defeating the purpose of capture. Their will will be broken slowly...and eventually it will be too cold for their little cricket bodies.

Awaiting the next battle front. Who knows what it will be this time...as long as it isn't the centipedes again idgaf...

DESTRUCTION!!!

Ok, so as of late the new dog situation has been causing some...issues. So this blog post, instead of being fun and cheeky (well maybe a little fun and cheeky) is in desperation. Anyone with prior dog knowledge or with experience with separation anxiety cases would be greatly appreciated. So here's my deal:

My 2 something year old rescue dog, Scout, apparently was not very well taken care of at his previous residence. Whenever we leave him alone, he thinks OH MY GOD! THEY ARE NEVER COMING BACK! Destroy ALL the things!!! So far he has destroyed: his crate, a couple towels, chewed the doorknob, scratched some of the door, tore a paper curtain, and peed on the floor.

Now, I've tried to leave the crate door un-locked with just something holding it shut to where he can get out, and it worked....once. Today I came home to chaos. So it's like he gets it into his little doggy head that if he escapes, hes done enough damage. But if we let him escape, we just don't care about him anymore and he should chew the everloving bajeesus out of some poor unsuspecting inanimate object. Now, he knows that what he has done is wrong, he just can't help it. The one day, he got a shoe, picked it up, put it on the couch to chew, thought better of it and left it there. He picked up another shoe, did the same thing. So he doesn't want to make us unhappy, he just gets so upset when we leave. I have tried placing something that smells like us in the crate, which he just tore up trying to escape. I've tried happy traveler calming pills. They did absolutely nothing. I just really have no idea what to do.

So here is what I'm asking. I have a very strong, lonely boy. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to help my poor rescue baby feel more at home? We have had him for a month now and every time you say something stern to him, he pees on the floor like it's the end of the world. I would love to know what the sorry sack of shit that had him before did to him, however I am not permitted to know much about his previous life considering that the place we adopted him (Warren County Human Society in VA) didn't mention his knee problems, his separation anxiety, his microchip that they said he didn't have, previous vet info even though they require a vet visit within a week to get him up to date (they expected me to do this without paperwork that they had and just didn't give to me), as well as when sending me the appropriate forms that they didn't give me, misspelling my name on the envelope. I do not intend to get rid of him. We are renting a place, so I can NOT have him messing it up or we will be forced to surrender him back to the shelter. Not enough money to keep replacing things he destroys. SO I AM ASKING ANYONE WITH EXPERIENCE! Is there a way to help my boy? Don't hesitate to help out here ;)

That Special Type of "Girl Crazy"

So it has come to my immediate attention that, Yes, I am a girl and I do tend to act like one sometimes when if forget how awesome I am (lol right). After recent events and a few slip ups, I have decided to do a post on girls and that special kind of "girl crazy" that our male counterparts must deal with in order to get some of this (BOOBIES).  Most of the time, I don't cry, I don't whine, I don't bitch and I sure as hell don't enjoy watching jersey shore. I'm a gamer girl by heart, love rock and metal music, and like the outdoors and guns. So it is definitely a surprise to me when my brain has a complete and total butt to head replacement and I act like the typical girl. You know the types.

For example: "I'm Fine" this phrase should not be a part of a girls vocabulary unless you fall down a flight of stairs and miraculously managed to land on your sweater puppies to cushion the fall. Or, you got plowed down by a roaming buffalo and were not hideously disfigured in the process. It must not however, be used to signify the feeling one has when they are not indeed FINE. The best way to put it I suppose, is that fine is a acronym for: F**ked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. Which is truly what it is. Upon further investigation, (through personal girl experience) you use this term when you really don't know how to put something, so you just don't. Or in the more extreme cases of "oh I just wanted some attention *kissy face*", girls may use it as an excuse to be a dumb bitch and get a guy to "chase" after her. Bitch, you ain't THAT pretty.

Another example: "Whatever" this phrase must have been invented by a politician due to the fact that I have not known anyone that can make me rain down rage more than a politician. This is the biggest cop out phrase that has ever been invented and I personally am proud that even in my most vagina fueled girly moments, I do not use this abomination to the English language. "Whatever" is a term used when a girl really has nothing better to say and really has no valid argument so they decide to invoke rage upon their opponent as to befuddle and confuse them with the sheer stupidity of the "Whatever argument". Like really? You're mad about something that obviously isn't that important if your only point of argument is a phrase that makes you look like a mentally challenged "toddlers in tiara's" contestant (they probably have better arguments than that).

Another, is saying that you are doing something to cover up the fact that you are upset. "oh I'm just sitting outside by myself because the sky is mighty pretty tonight" or "oh im just sitting in the corner over here to gain new perspective on the space of our bedroom" or "I'm not crying" when you obviously are. Let's face it. Girls are silly. Especially the ones that "can't find a sweet guy" really? because he is in the friend zone...where you left him. While you decided to date that d-bag with the crappy car and tribal tattoo.

So when tempted with the idea of giving in to the idea that being a girl means that you can do what you want, and your man wont leave you high and dry for being a dumb trollop, think again. He will drop you like the  hormone induced crazy you are. All that "oh I hate drama" crap? well you created it so goodluck with that one. Also, saying that "you knew that when you started dating me" when you decide to act like a whore in public, or think it's cute to sit on a guys lap to make your man jealous, you are a complete and total brainless hussy.

In conclusion, when given the opportunity to act like a girl or to do these typical girly things, save your man the trouble and DON'T. Your relationships will last longer, and your man wont ignore you for call of duty. Your tickle taco is not precious enough to put up with bi-polar crazy. Just sayin...

Scout and About

So as of a week ago today, we have had a new wonderful bundle of joy parading around our house. :3 A doggy. His name is scout and he is a half Pitbull, half Boxer. Now I know what some of you may be thinking..."oh no, here's a pitbull, they are so vicious and bad and no good around anyone. Just because of those stupid laws that are trying to get passed by ignorant people that have never had the privilege of owning one of these big hearted sweeties. Seriously, the only thing vicious about this boy are his farts. So a little bit about Scouty :3, he likes people, unless you're stupid and try to scare him, he likes dogs, as long as they don't try to scratch the ever loving bajeesus out of his face, he is also good with kids, being as he loves the ones here.

(my Scouty boy <3)

He has been absolutely perfect about being in the car, walking around the canal, playing with a dachshund puppy, being humped repeatedly by said puppy (with a look on his face like "mom...please") and is making his way up and down the stairs now with the addition of grips so he doesn't slide down them anymore. He is a peoples dog and loves to hop up on his couch. However, he is very super strong. Like doggy super strength. Left him in his cage for about an hour. Came home to this:

Oh my jeez! is what you must be thinking. Walked over and he was just wiggling on the couch looking at me like "I'm sorry mom! I thought you were never coming home!" and to be honest, I couldn't even be mad. He's just so cute and he was so worried that he was being left again like his last family did. So I just laughed, gave him a homemade peanutbutter dog cookie, and got kisses. He really is the perfect most laid back dog.

And we all know that he was just lying in wait to viciously maul this adorable little puckaroo here, because he is a pitbull. RIGHHHHHHT! Since they are all vicious and bad. I really need to put him in a bowtie, with a monacle and a tophat for halloween like a sir, because he is such a little gentleman. :)

Just like this photo for instance, he isn't asleep, he is waiting. lol (bad Chuck Norris reference I know) But more to come on this little fur bucket because he is so awesome....like his parents. He's good at alerting us of people around the house too. Like the UPS guy...Scout barked at him because he knocked on the door. First thing the guy says is "I don't want to get bit". I mean I understand his concern, but Scout barked. He didn't give him death threats, poop on his shoe, give him the eye, or talk about the dudes mother. Some people just amaze me. He has fit in already and is tearing up any toy he can find...including a tennis ball he had for about 20 mins and bit in half. Strong jaws for a dog, and yet so gentle about taking food or toys or playing. Little velvety joweled prince. Yup. Prince Scout.

The Battle Continues...

So since the battle of the kitchen began, I have only seen a few little centipedes running around here and there, not too much to worry about really. However, the tables have just turned. They have started coming out in numbers with all their little legged buddies to mock me. They don't seem to be so focused on grossing me out in my kitchen anymore....oh no...now it has moved to the bathroom and the living room. Attacking me where i feel the safest...doing my business or chillaxin' on the couch.

There I was, vacuuming the rugs in the bathroom, cleaning and humming something happy...a little build me up buttercup perhaps...and then it CHARGED! Out of no where, Charles ran out from somewhere behind me, straight on to the tub. Luckily, I was prepared with a well placed counter attack with the sucking hose of my mini shop vac and it was Bye Bye Birdie. Sucked the little guy up. Although it still freaks me out, the thought of him living in there...

I also found one of their little baby clones in the shower one morning.  was only about.... {--} that long. So I drowned the little sucker. Demon Spawn. Cry bug parents, cry. He did not have a kind death. And let that be a warning. But alas, I believe that this only made their resolve stronger in getting revenge. Making it so I no longer feel safe in my own home...

Last night, I was sitting in my living room. Watching something on my laptop as I normally do waiting for my man hunk to get home. All of a sudden, Charles ran across my living room to crawl underneath the couch that is right next to mine. Those little suckers are fast. Didn't even give me time to grab a shoe. So I spent the rest of the evening, trying not to touch the floor for fear of attack. Twas then I saw another....well it might have been the same one, but it would have had to have crawled under my couch to get all the way back where it was and that's something I'm not willing to accept yet.....anyways. So it crawled along the molding on the floor and stopped...mocking me. A "come at me bro" like stare. So I grabbed one of my flip flops (in hindsight, prob not the best idea. Expensive shoes, but totally worth it) and smushed the hell out of it. Like three times. To the point where it launched into the air, so i smushed it again. Had to tap it off my shoe. Freakin' gross. So then for the rest of the night, I was imagining things crawling across the room, thinking that I would see something skitter across the floor.

They think they may have won this one, but I left the squished one there as a warning. "see how i smooshed the ever loving legs off of your buddy there? yeah...come at me bro"

The Throne...

So next up, having an issue with something that everyone has (i far-eakin' hope) in their house...a toilet. Now, I have had to deal with troublesome toilets before, ya know...over flowing, not flushing, running, that kinda mess, but never have I had to deal with one like ours. It's almost comical until you yourself have to deal with it. I have thus (at this very moment) named it Nancy after an aptly named ex-speaker of the house who also talked a lot of shit ;) har har. What trouble can a toilet cause you may ask? (well I'm hoping that's why you're here) IT RUNS LIKE A KENYAN.
Used to be, that if you jiggled the handle, it would stop. Like it needed a little bit of attention, then it would be happy and shut off. Something like this :) (aw who's a happy toilet :3)

BUT NO. Nancy was a greedy biotch and decided...no. I want you to do something else for me...I WANT YOU TO JUMP UP AND DOWN LIKE AN IDIOT FOR MY AMUSEMENT! (something like this)

So this has been my life for the past few months. We do have two bathrooms, but who wants to go all the way upstairs? This also brings up another issue that I have been thinking of...what about company? (not like i really have anyone to invite over....but...hypothetically) There are two problems with this. Do I tell them to go upstairs, or just wait till they're finished and casually walk in, jump around, and walk out like nothing happened? Or, If it was me, what would they be thinking? Is there a dinosaur stomping around? Having problems? Pooping makes you angry? or....is there a house centipede in there? (see previous post) None of these things just seem to be a good way of getting people to stay in your house...they might think you have problems (welp, time to hit the old dusty trail... *awkward exit*)


I know that it's probably an easy fix, just a trip to lowes, but, when it comes to home improvement tasks, I can be pretty inept. "hrm toilet you say? well then. how about this pink mini maglight? It's so pretty :3" Or, I get distracted by all the pretty paint colors and neat light fixtures and fun sharp tools. (I like lowes) So for now, I guess we will just stomp around like dinosaurs (maybe I'll start adding sound effects to amuse myself...still awkward with company) until Nancy decides that she has had her amusement for the day. But sometime soon, that bitch will get hers...when we get around to it...